Tea time with Hubs

During the courting days, Hubs used to bring me to Starbuck, Coffee Bean, Dome and all those famous cafes to impress me. Well, I must say I like the ambience too. But then, since we got married, there's not much time (and money) spare for us to just go and lepak at a cafe. Even if there is a little, it will be mamaking at Kapitan. Now with the baby coming on board end of the year, I can't imagine there will be anymore time for going out, let alone having yamcha session.

Yesterday, Hubs was trying to find back the time to enjoy life after been thru such a hectic job. Although I was tired, I decided to go along cause there ain't much of this kinda session to pass. Hubs was so sweet to allow me a cold drink, Strawberry Milk Shake while he opted for the famous White Coffee.

We even ordered a double toast. I must say it is way yummier and loaded compared to O'town in New World Park. The one in O'town, either they were short of butter and kaya or they were just plain kiamsiap (stingy).
And that was Hubs playing his FB Kung Fu Pet, named Tauhu in the background.

Although at times I'm jealous of the mind Hubs has, I must admit I admired his analytical thinking. Most of the times, the games that we played, we started almost the same time but he'll be miles ahead of me in terms of scores. There were even times when I geram and don't allow him to play same game as me or stop playing the game when he's so far ahead already. And what more? He's always telling others I'm smarter than him, just that he's more hardworking. If only I have more of his brain.....

Story to share

I received this piece of story in my inbox the other day and thought it's good to share it to all the single, married, divorced, widowed individuals, who take life for granted.

"Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today. I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother." Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to test on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets. Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling. Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it."

Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it." There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle. Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest. As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and am exhausted from along day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes. From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again. One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me.... I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?" After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house. During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please. In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work. That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table. The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I could not. I threw down the bowl, rushed into the washroom, and vomited everything out. Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes.. I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really did not mean it. We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at then low point in my life. Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should go and see a doctor." The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant. Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day? At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart. I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me around in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight? Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket. That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again. The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital." I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless. I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen? Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if....In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother. Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self-pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all. Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart. One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything. The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me,challenging me. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me. That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each other. He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished. I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not.. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death. One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine. As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there. After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him. "LD, are you pregnant?" Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other. Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me. I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scars in each other's heart. For me, it's unintentional; for him, totally intentional. I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated. Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart. Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time I cared for him and am concerned because there was love, but now, what is there between us? Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing but I continuously ignored him. Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing but none of that matters to me anymore. It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the journey to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did? He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in; his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain. Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand. Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment. Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when he first discovered he had cancer. Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral." I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hitsme. Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son: "Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no longer has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion...Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through life journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most..." From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there. Hubby has also written a letter for me: "My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby...My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for loving me...These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging... "

Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..." He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang through the air as tears slowly rolled down my face.... A fatal misunderstanding and the person who loves me the most in this world is gone forever..."Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our originals intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, every thing became too late."

Announcement

I have something to share.....

I'M OFFICIALLY PREGNANT!!

That's the main reason I've abandoned this blog for so long. All I could think of was my pregnancy stuff and I couldn't possibly blogged about it before this. All those trying to get a baby makes me cautious of anything that might danger it...including those old wife tales. Thus after keeping hush hush for so long, I'm finally out to make this announcement. I'll update the journey bit by bit but most of the details will be in mommy2baby.blogspot.com as it's only right to do it there.

Rainbow after rain

Birthday dinner

This was the dinner that Hubs treated me on my birthday.

Bento Set
Black dragon

Salmon Rolls

I'm just lazy to give more description on the food...hehe

Lately..

Wasn't sure was it PMS that hits me or what..but I'm feeling quite down lately. I was constantly feeling frustrated, especially with Hubs. I felt that we were not having the close relationship like we used to anymore. He love to spend his time with others (Dota, soccer, trading, appointmentS) more than with me. When he's with me, it's either laptop, tv, newspaper, bed or now..PSP. I just want some quality time where we can just chat about anything and have a good laugh. I really long for times before we were staying together. We used meet up almost everyday, and can still talk so much.

How I wish I'm not that clingy to him. If only I have my own home, then I can stay at home and do my own things, cooking, baking, gardening...I know I'll have more household chores to do, but I'll get satisfaction from doing it. I want my own car too, so that I can go out without having to adjust to his schedule. I'll join yoga class, belly dancing class...

I've actually draft out a post before this on the same title. But I deleted it. It will look like I condemned Hubs to the whole world out there. Hmm...

Birthday

My 26th birthday just passed and I'm another year wiser ;) The significant different this year is I'm celebrating it as a free man..what I meant was I'm not tied up with any 8-5 routine job. Other than that, there's not much different. Everyone who called up to wish me, will go back to the same question.."How are you going to celebrate?" I don't really know how to answer them. Just a normal day for me. Though I wanted it to be more special.

Hubs finally dump me last friday at Mum's place, so that he can go shopping for my present. I know he don't have any particular thing he's going to look for. He told me he walked thru the whole shopping complex but don't know what to look for. Ended up he got me a handphone/mp3 holder..the arm band kind of holder. He saw me holding my mp3 while jogging, so he thought that holder might be a motivation to jog more. I didn't expect any present from him, so that was a small surprise for me.

For dinner, we went to Tsuruya, the Jap food which we found quite nice the last time we were there. But this time when we dined there, I don't know what went wrong. My tummy was having so sharp pain, it kills my appetite. I'll load the pictures later.

Wanted to go to QB to catch a movie after that but I was just not in the mood. Ended up we went home and off the lights (Earth Hour). Hubs went out after dropping me off to get me a slice of cake. What is a birthday without a cake right? And we had the ice cream cake in the dark.

My birthfay wish? Well, I'm quite greedy I made a few. Firstly, to have my own family and my own home. Secondly, to get that million dollar account...hehe

HAPPY HAPPY ME...

Happy Birthday, Lindy!!!!

Another year added to your age. Each passing year, you have grown wiser and happier. You'll continue to enjoy your life and achieve all that you've been dreaming of.

Happy happy month

There's quite a number of cheques coming into my mail and some were already in the bank in fact. It's like...money come, money come...haha

First, there was this cheque by PruLady on the marriage. Followed by my so overdue tax refund. Just a few days ago, I called up ING to request for my another overdue cheque, a dental claim I submitted 6 months ago. And today? Well, let just say the fatest cheque is on the way from US SmithBarney. Haha...I don't trade stocks. It was a left over from my previous employee stock purchase plan. Aisey man...been waiting for the price to hit my profit for so long. There was once it went from USD17 to USD13. My heart almost stopped. I was thinking...die la, this time have to wait for a year or two liao. But then it must have release quite a good product to push the market up to USD 17+ again last week. This morning I checked, it has hit my profit and go a lil more by a few cents.

Wow..what a great birthday month for me.

Today

I'm not going to lie at the fact that I'm actually trying to cramp all those 'blogs' in my head into this real blog in one day. I'm trying to make up for my promise to keep this blog alive..haha..

Since I'm not working and I don't have mood to update here, what have I been doing? Well, to start off, in less than a week after I resigned from my previous kindy job, I got myself another job. If you could call it a job still, when you are not paid monthly salary. I look up at dictionary.com it says a job is:

"a post of employment; full-time or part-time position"

Since it does not state anything about salary, I guess I AM in a job. This job requires me to work only 1 day a month (*party party*) and the pay depends on the end result which might take a year or two to harvest. It might also be nothing at the end but I'm fully confident in it. The best thing is the end result might give me more than what a normal 8-5 job pays in those two years...and it's non taxable..COOL eh? I'm not going to reveal what job this is, I don't want the goverment to come hunting me down in a year or two ;) What I can say is this recession thingy, it's not going to affect me..

Surprise

After that false alarm, I told myself I have to take it easy. If I were to continue to be like this, it will definitely hurt our relationship. So I planned half a day outing. It started with a jog in the park, then try out the yummy pure fruit juice from a stall nearby. I arranged in a way that we will have brunch in my favourite PHOP (Paddington House of Pancake) before we catch a movie "Dragonball Evolution".

I overheard Hubs raving to his colleagues how he had the whole series of dragonball comic books when he was small. To watch that movie, it's like going to back to his childhood. I wanted to surprise him but I guess he reads my mind pretty easily....or I'm just so predictable. I know if I did not arrange for his hair cut, he'll just let it grow till I complain. So that was in my plan also.

Afternoon was free and easy (in my parents' place..hehe) while at night we had dinner @ New World Park so that we could easily hop over to the stage where his best buddy was performing. As usual, they will ajak him to play Dota. I wanted to go there and have a look at what so interesting bout it. But his reluctant-ness showed when he kept on asking if I'll be ok. Well, I have to avoid my parents from knowing I'll be driving home alone cause they'll be worried. Thus I dropped him off at the cafe on my way home. Too bad, they bumped into me at one of the traffic light. I loathed him playing the game, not because it is unhealthy but the way they play it, it always drag until wee hour (the earliest 2am). And I cannot question him, for if I do..he'll say I'm always making noise when he goes out with his friends. I went home alone and cried myself to sleep. I guess the whole surprise is not so well planned afterall..

Dinner last night

I'm not a big fan of fish maw (actually...totally not a fan) or any slimy thing in my soup. But last night was exceptional. Not that I am a fan now but it was the night where I consumed the most fish maw than all the years (of eating fish maw) add up in my life. The conversation with MIL went like this:

MIL: Do you know how to eat fish maw?
Me: Oh..(gulp) I swallow them wholly
MIL: Fish maw is good for health
Me: I know... that's why I swallow it. Else I would not have touch it.
MIL: *faint*

When I related that to Hubs, he added on, "Mum, she knows it's good, thus swallowing as chewing them will break those vitamin."

And my FIL? He was laughing in the background..

Update

It's been ages since I dropped by and it has been growing spider webs in here. I'll try to keep this post short and simple, so as not to bore you and most importantly..still keep my interest in updating. A few random things

1. I had a gotten myself a job in a kindy as TEACHER, and out of it in 2 months. Never in my life had I thought I'll be a teacher someday. Well, we did thought of opening a kindy but that was just a thought. Met so many charming kiddos as well as those monsters. I love one lil girl in particular. Being just 22months, she is so clever and well behave. I love when she called me, "Teacher Lindy!". How my heart will just melt on the spot.

2. I'm now back to being unemployed and am very happy about it, despite the fact that I don't have any income anymore. I admit I'm very clingy to Hubs. With normal working hours job (8-5) we will have hard time seeing each other and had problem with transportation also. During this time with Hubs, he had thought me so much in life about financial thingy, my knowledge is expanding everyday and I'm so excited bout our future.

3. Reading 'Increase your Financial IO' by Robert Kiyosaki has made me understand truly why Hubs has been working so hard in increasing his knowledge to achieve financial freedom. I'm starting to plan my futures too and how I can make use of what I have TODAY.

4. My knowledge and interest in Gold&Silver has increase tremendously and together with Hubs, we are digging for opportunity to invest and do business. I've come to realise that currency is NOTHING when the calculated day arrive.

5. With my disappointment every month when my menses come, I finally manage to persuade Hubs to find for other alternative. We are waiting for our precious to come...just waiting for the sign.

6. For the first time in my life, I went to 'free birds'. It was meant to be a good deed, whereby you free the living souls. Oh..the birds were so adorable.

7. It's not easy to hear of others' pregnancy news and feel excited for them. At first, it only adds to my desparation, but as times goes by, I've learn to accept them and bless them. I know my turn is here. And I'm ready.

That's all I can think of now. Will try to keep this blog alive (trying hard)..